It’s Good To Talk: The weight of other people’s expectations

If I asked you to make a list of the expectations you live with every day, I wonder how long it would become.

Be a good parent. A supportive partner. A reliable friend. The expectation to work hard, keep the house tidy, and reply to messages.

Then there is remembering birthdays, exercise, saving money, and being grateful all while not complaining! For many of us, life slowly becomes a series of expectations we are trying to meet.

Whose expectations are these?Some are talked about but many are held only in our own minds. The strange thing is we rarely stop to ask a very important question…..Whose expectations are these? Are they genuinely ours?

Or have we collected them over the years from parents, teachers, employers, neighbours, social media and society itself?

I often meet people who are completely exhausted, yet when we start talking, it becomes clear they are not only carrying their own responsibilities, they are also carrying everyone else’s expectations too.

They feel they should host every family gathering because they have always done it. They feel guilty saying no to helping because “people expect me to.”

They apologise for taking a down-time. They answer work emails late into the evening because they worry someone might think they are lazy.

Often (not always) no one has actually asked them to do these things. Yet the pressure feels very real.

Sometimes these expectations begin in childhood. Perhaps you were praised for always being sensible. The helper. The peacemaker. The one who caused no trouble.

Those qualities probably served you well at the time. But decades later, they can become rules you live by. “I must keep everyone happy.”

“I must never disappoint people.” “I have to cope.”

The problem is that no one can live like that forever. Eventually something gives. Not because you are weak but because you are human.

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One of the biggest surprises for people in counselling is discovering how often they assume they know what other people expect.

We think our friends will be offended if we do not attend every event. We assume our boss expects us to answer emails at night. We imagine family members will think we are selfish if we set boundaries.

Pressure

Yet when we finally test those assumptions, many might not be true. The pressure might be coming from inside all along.So how do we begin to loosen the grip of other people's expectations?

It rarely happens overnight, but it often starts with paying attention to the small things. The next time you agree to something, pause for a second and ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I'm afraid of letting someone down?” That one question can tell you a lot!

Language

It can also help to notice the language you use with yourself. Words like “I should…”, “I have to…” or “People will expect…” are often clues that you are operating from obligation rather than choice. Try replacing them with, “I choose to…” or “I am not able to this time.”

It might seem like a small shift, but it reminds us that we have more control than we sometimes believe.Boundaries do not have to be big conversations or ultimatums.

It might mean leaving work on time without apologising, letting a phone call wait until tomorrow, accepting that the house is tidy enough rather than perfect or saying no to an invitation because you need a night to yourself.

These small decisions rarely change other people's opinion of you as much as you might worry they do, but they can make a big difference to your wellbeing.It is also worth remembering that people who are used to you always saying “yes” may notice when you start saying “no”.

Boundaries

That does not mean you have done something wrong. Sometimes people need time to adjust to healthier boundaries, particularly if they have benefited from your lack of them.

Feeling uncomfortable does not automatically mean you are making a bad decision - it just means you are doing something different.Of course, some expectations are real. Children need us.

Work has responsibilities. Relationships require effort. But there is a difference between responsibility and people-pleasing. Responsibility is, “I will do my best.”

People-pleasing is, “I will sacrifice myself so no one is disappointed.”

The two are often confused. Social media does not help because we constantly shown polished snapshots of lives that appear effortlessly organised.

I see homes without clutter, perfect holidays, happy families, successful careers, healthy meals and smiling faces. It becomes easy to believe everyone else is managing better than we are.

We compare our ordinary Tuesday to someone else’s highlight reel. No wonder we feel we are all falling behind and don’t measure up!

One question I often ask clients is - If nobody judged your decision, what would you choose?

Fear of disappointingIt is amazing how quickly the answer appears, most of the time the answer is already there but it is the fear of disappointing others that drowns it out. Maybe one of the hardest lessons we learn as adults is that disappointing people occasionally is unavoidable. If you always say yes, someone benefits. But is it usually everyone else? If you sometimes say no, someone may feel disappointed.

But that does not mean you have done something wrong. Healthy relationships whether with partners, friends or family can survive disappointment.

In fact, they often become stronger because they are based on honesty rather than obligation. The people who truly care about you don’t need you to be endlessly available.

They need you to be well. It is worth remembering that many of the expectations we place upon ourselves would never be expected of someone we love. Would you tell a friend they should never ask for help? They should never rest?

They should attend every event? They should never make a mistake? Of course not. Yet we often expect exactly that from ourselves. Maybe it is time to become curious about the expectations you are carrying.

Which ones genuinely reflect your values? Which ones have just become habits? Which ones belong to someone else entirely and not actually yours?

Invisible StandardsLife feels lighter when we begin living according to what matters most to us rather than constantly trying to meet invisible standards.

That does not mean you are becoming selfish. It just means you are recognising that your wellbeing matters too.

If you are constantly trying to become everything everyone else expects, you can slowly lose sight of the person you actually are.

Maybe that is the greatest expectation to let go of - that you must keep everyone happy in order to deserve your own peace.Finally, ask yourself one simple question at the end of the day: “Did I make at least one decision today that respected my own needs as well as everyone else's?”£ It doesn't have to be a big decision.

It might be taking your lunch break, asking for help, going for a walk, switching your phone off for an hour, or allowing yourself to rest without feeling guilty. Small acts of self-respect, repeated often enough offer a different way of living.

You matter, give yourself the gift of less responsibility, more time and a chance to live the best version of your life. You deserve more!

All good wishes,

Tracy xx

Counselling available in person from Serenity House Moville, F93 Y138 or remotely via zoom/telephone 086 3891917 email:[email protected] - Facebook/instagram @tracymckeaguecounselling