It’s Good To Talk: Happiness - what is the secret?

Happiness changes all the time however none of us are happy all the time. What is happiness? Have you ever thought about that? What will make you happy may not make me happy and vice versa.

The definition of happiness is “feeling of being pleased or happy” according to the Oxford dictionary but what does that tell us? Very little!

Other definitions are perhaps more accurate in saying, it is a “state of mind, consisting of feelings of joy, contentment and other positive emotions” – with a sense of meaningfulness and value on your life thrown in for good measure.

There are times in life where we might think we ‘should’ be happy, such as holidays, special occasions, milestone life events, that new job you have been waiting on or that dream home. Aren’t all those things promising happiness?

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We can make ourselves unhappy with the pressure to be happy! Sometimes those ‘promised’ expectations of joy don’t always produce the feelings that you would like or expect from them.

How does that impact on your life? Probably not a typical question that you ask yourself but maybe if you did it would explain some of the not so good feelings that can be held at times.

I often think happiness might be a pressure in life for some people. Personally, I am more of a fan of contentment.

It’s a word that when I say it, I feel it, it’s more tangible. How often do we ask ourselves “are we happy or content?” - on a daily basis that might go from yes to no many times depending on various factors.

If we start to compare ourselves to others, especially with the pressure of social media and the images we are exposed to, of ‘perceived’ happiness, it can be too easy to fall into the trap of wondering why other people are happy and you are not.

We have to remind ourselves every day, that what you see on the outside is not always reflected on the inside.

If someone is truly happy, it is important not to shine a light on them but instead look with compassion at your feelings on your life and what you might like to or need to change about it – for your happiness!

You can have all the things and people in the world around you and still not feel happy.

This is about what’s going on internally for you and yes there are many external factors that can affect happiness and you may need to spend time discovering what they are and how you can manage them in a different way.

‘We have to remind ourselves every day, that what you see on the outside is not always reflected on the inside’

Take the pressure off yourself to be happy. Does this sound strange coming from a mental health counsellor? People attending counselling are not always looking for happiness, as such.

They often look for peace, contentment or simply to stop feeling certain unpleasant feelings. Believing that counselling is about training yourself to be happy all the time - that is not realistic for anyone.

In counselling, together we look at how you might manage or explore things in life that are preventing you from living your best life.

How you see the best version of your life might be very different to how someone else sees theirs.
There is no one magic ingredient for happiness - it’s a personal journey.

I often talk about toxic positivity. Forced happiness isn’t real and it will not get to the root of the problem. Being realistic might be more helpful and as we know, not all our thoughts are true.

Pushing down negative emotions can be counterproductive. Suppressing or avoiding feelings can cause discomfort and often sadness or other big emotions.

Finland, one of the happiest countries in the world, tells us that the secret is based on connecting with the world and also connecting with ourselves. I think this became very obvious during Covid times.

We need each other, we need to be ok with being ourselves and taking time to ourselves.

Often people are not okay with connecting with themselves because they either don’t know how to or they are afraid of feelings and thoughts being uncovered.

People might have the ability to sustain this way of being for quite a while in life however over time they may then question why they are not happy.

Is it time to ask yourself how you seek more for yourself in your life, regardless of the search for happiness, contentment, peace or maybe knowing that simply being ok, is ok for you! Sometimes we need other people to help us shine the light on the darker areas of our lives, you do not have to do it alone.

Often it’s hard to understand feelings or a way of being and that’s when friends, loved ones or professionals can help in the process.

It might simply be a case of increasing connection and support so you can strengthen yourself to explore what you need uncover for the best version of your life.

Your life is too precious to not have it closer to the way you want it and ‘making do’ is not good enough, you deserve better!
All good wishes,
Tracy xx